The Girl Who Came From Hell The Diary of the Devil
by Devil'sEyeAlchemist13
Summary: This is the first volume of my new saga. This volume is title "The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi Fullmetal ". Swearing in large numbers and some sexual humor in later chapters. Rated M for a reason people. Get ready for a raw tale of humor, adventure, drama and romance. Japanese is a bonus! Enjoy... And don't be fooled by characters. NO YAOI. EdxOC.
1. Welcome with a Warning

**The Girl Who Came From Hell: Diary of the Devil**

The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal) - Day 1

* * *

"They often say 'life is a living hell' when shit hits the fan. I always reply when someone says that 'No, it's not.' Then they give me looks that say 'What the fuck are you talking about?' and just walk away. The irony here is that I know what a literal hell is. That would be my summer house. I live during the summer in that eternally damned place. So in actuality, I should be the one giving them looks like that. Instead, I just smile and walk away."

-Kaede Nikoli-Hultz, the Devil Incarnate

(Me, if you haven't figured it out yet...)

The Devil is not as ugly as most people think I would be. Of course, no one believes me if I tell them that. They think I'm insane. If you think I'm insane by what you've read so far, stop reading this book. Like, now. I officially consider you another brick in my wall.

If you think I'm the other kind of insane, however, the genius insane who looks at the world in a new, never-patented way, or if you are also this kind of insane, I grant you permission to read on. (Also known as you can stop at your own discretion.)

To the point I was getting on about before my rant, I'm not an ugly girl. At all. I'm 5'7. I'm thin. I have pale skin, gold eyes and jet black hair. Thank God (wait, why am I thanking God?) no one calls me half-Xerxian-half-Xingese; I'd probably slap them if they did. And I wear (at least I'd call it this) awesomesauce clothing. Yes, I do know slang. If you're questioning this, go to Heaven; I don't want you anywhere NEAR my beach house. I usually wear a dark blue t-shirt, dark blue jeans, a leather mid-rift jacket, black fingerless gloves and black fur boots. A lot of people call me 'emo' or 'goth' because of my attire.

A lot of people also have broken faces.

Or burnt.

Or even none at all.

Yup, no face. And six feet under. Literally.

If you couldn't already tell that I'm a little son *cough* daughter *cough* of a bitch, then you, my friend, are a complete and utter dumbass. Period. No questions asked. I have many of what people call...'problems'.

I'm arrogant

I'm greedy

I'm somewhat narcissistic

I snap easily

I have a very 'vibrant' (like Skittles vibrant) vocabulary. Something you'll be hearing a lot of (You have been warned)

And I'm a devil scratch that, THE DEVIL.

I don't consider them problems though. More like my little bits and pieces. Shit, I forgot something on that list...

Pyromaniac for 350 years and counting!

The fact that I have flame alchemy down AND (but wait, there's more!) can perform alchemy WITHOUT a transmutation circle helps me keep that under control. Sometimes though, I need to let a little spark of that out, like what happened earlier today...

*COMMENCE FLASHBACK! (Fancy music and shit)*

"Kaede, Central needs your help once again." Colonel Mustang put his coffee on his desk.

"Cut the formal bullshit, Roy. I'm not in the military." I crudely replied as I put my feet up on his desk. I didn't think of it as a formal meeting; just a visit with an old friend. "What did you military dumbasses fuck up this time?"

"We messed nothing up."

"Well, why else would you need me here? I'm the freakin babysitter around here because that fatass thing you call a Fuhrer doesn't do shit!" Which, frankly, was true to a degree.

"Fullmetal is missing." He replied with a grim look on his face.

At least Hawkeye wasn't there to shoot me in the back. I had been so carelessly rude to the Colonel!

_Wait, why do I care?_

"And so is Alphonse?"

Mustang nodded. "This is the third day they've been missing."

"Holy shit! Why the hell did no one tell me sooner?"

Roy got his coy smirk that everyone loves to creep up and appear on his face. "Miss Nikoli-Hultz, you are notorious in many things besides your horrible attitude and your power."

And then I smiled and stifled out a laugh. "You act like that's a bad thing! Without me, Amestris would be shit... well, shitter than it is now, at least."

Roy laughed. "Ah, you always try to find optimism in negativity, don't you?"

"No. I lie a LOT. If I told the truth, I'd be getting a lot more than my 40,000 swears a day limit."

"Don't you mean 'words'?"

"No, I mean swears." I corrected. "If it was 80,000, then I would mean words."

"Back on topic," His lovely smile went away again. "I'll be coming with you."

Humunuhumunuh what? "Why do I need to be babysat?" Usually I need to babysit some military moron on a mission that took five days instead of five minutes. I can do most of their assignments in the latter amount of the time, and I do a damn good job of it, so how they put two and two together and came up with a conclusion as idiotic and asinine as a cat eating a salad is beyond me. Then again, I've seen a cat clean a bowl of Caesar salad in five minutes, so I guess by some divine freaking miracle it could work.

"In high command they say that it's for protection."

"Protection my ass!" Although Fullmetal was a tough cookie, compared to him I'm diamond! No fucking way are they seriously going to go through with this!

*END THE DAMN FLASHBACK! (Aww...)*

To put things simply, I was pissed. And I needed to let off some steam. In this case, I had three options...

Let no steam off.

Why the hell would I do that?

Blow up Mustang's office.

...Nah, too cliché.

Blow up the Fuhrer's office.

...Fucking...GENIUS!

And that is why I am stuck in a tent. In some random forest in the East. With Roy Mustang.

I don't like that picture. Roy is fine, though; just everything else...

* * *

Eh, whatcha think? If you want numbah 2, you gotta review. If you think it sucks, give me a duck.


	2. Hatred of the Snow

**The Girl Who Came From Hell: Diary of the Devil**

The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal) - Day 2

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

-Homer Simpson

No matter how cold-hearted I am, I still hate winter. (Did I mention it's January 22?) The snow does not compute with me. I have many things that prove that reasoning...

If I step in snow I tend to fall in. A LOT.

Wearing waterproof gear, I still get wet.

My flame alchemy doesn't like me

And somehow I end up having to pick icicles off my ass. Don't know why.

So, it wasn't that much of a shock to me that when I took three steps outside the tent this morning, the tree above decided to drop fifty pounds of snow on my head. It was an annoyance though. Sigh, la-dee-freakin-da. "Ow." I said halfheartedly.

I could barely hear Roy exit the tent and go, "Kaede?"

"Here!" I said, popping my head out of the snow pile like a mole in Whack-A-Mole. At least he didn't have a hammer with him. "Did you mark me absent, Teacher?"

"Sigh, what did you do this time?"

"Nothing at all! The damn tree decided to take a dump on me!" I got out of the snow pile and shook all the powder from my hair. "I fucking hate winter. If you ask me, I think it's just another excuse for shitty-ass weather."

Roy stifled a laugh. "I agree! We should probably get going. The sun won't go through the trees, so it won't be as warm." He started to walk away as I put my hand on his shoulder. Wow, I'm not that much shorter than he is. "No need. Remember who you're working with, Mustang. I can transmute the ground up higher to get a look around. Don't pack...yet." As soon as my hands touched the ground, we skyrocketed up about a thousand feet.

Note to self: Never go up fast in a tower. Or on a tower. Ever.

My ears hurt. His probably did to.

Your riddle of the day is this: If you insult someone from high up in the middle of the forest and the person it's directed to doesn't try to kill you, is the person there?

If you're talking about 99.99999% of the population, then the answer is no.

If we're on the same page, though, and we're talking about Edward Elric, the answer is a big fat NO!

"Hey SHOR-TY! PIP-SQUEAK! YOU OUT THERE, YOU LITTLE RUNT?" Nothing. "God damn it!"

"What?" Roy asked.

"Well, considering the fact that he didn't try to kill me or go on a rant, I don't believe he's here." Which means we have another four miles to hike. Fucking marvelous. Hiking isn't fun. Hiking when it's cold is hell. Hiking when there's snow is shit. "Go pack up camp. We're heading further east."

"Um, we still need to get down from here." He pointed to the floor below my surrogate floor. The real ground. Right... "Can you transmute a way down for us?"

"I can make it from here. "

"I know you're amazing, but you're not that amazing that you can jump a thousand feet and land completely intact. You're not immortal, you know." Mustang replied, trying to maintain a straight face. (Barely.)

"Oh yeah?" I challenged. "Watch!" I took what some people might call a 'leap of faith' of the edge. And now I can officially say that freefallin' is awesomesauce epic! The wind feels great, like the world's rushing by you (well, it kinda does; you are FALLING after all). I now see why Douglas Adams said "Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss." That's basically what you do; you fling yourself towards Earth and try not to touch it. I landed in an easy crouch, like a cat. The powder crunched under my hands and feet.

As I turned to where Mustang should've been and looked up, he looked like a teeny tiny blue snowflake in the sky. "How's the weather up there?" I teasingly asked.

"Can I get down? Like, now?" Roy replied nonchalantly. I could barely hear him from the distance he was from me and the fact the the wind began to gust again.

"Fine! Killjoy..." I muttered as I transmuted the bluff down. "Happy now, Mister 'I don't like to have any fun'?"

"Better." He replies as he begins to take apart the tent. "It's too cold up there. Especially when the wind picked up. It started to blow everything in my face, and for fire lovers like ourselves, it's not a pleasurable experience."

"I get the damn point! Suck it up ya pansy!" Okay, maybe I was a little harsh that time, but when I want something done, I don't fuck around with bullshit that doesn't do anything; I get the job done and over with. Besides, I'm the Devil. I'm supposed to be the harshest being in the universe! I have no room for the pansies that prance around expecting life to be good. Especially when they whine and say 'This sucks!' No shit, Sherlock.

"You really are the Devil, Kaede. The Maple Devil of Amestris." Roy replied. My name is Japanese for 'maple'. Mustang is the only person I've told who believes me and actually doesn't think I'm some nut who escaped from the asylum down the block. He's totally 100% correct! I'm not insane!

Well, not that kind of insane. At least, I don't think so. I hope not. Otherwise I'm in deep shit. Again.

But anyway. He seems to be the only one who understands me fully. I don't even think Edward does, cause although he's a genius/prodigy, he's still five years younger than my pseudo age. I pretend I'm twenty one, although I'm actually 760. I look young.

Is Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, the one for me? Only time will tell...


	3. Klondike and Kunai

**The Girl Who Came From Hell: Diary of the Devil**

The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal) - Day 3

"A computer once beat me in a game of chess in five minutes. It was no match for me in ten seconds of kickboxing, though. It ended in a knockout. "

-Kaede Nikoli-Hultz

Now if only life were as simple to beat the shit out of...THAT would be fun! As a man named Daniel Dee Snyder once said, "It's a game we've gotta lose, but it's a life we gotta choose..." If only you could deny that fact and make it untrue...

As I take all the Philosopher's stones I have out of my pocket, I start to wonder how I'm not immortal with all of these. Since I started with my pseudo-age about 21 years ago, I've made a new stone every five years with all the souls in Hell. It's quint-annual spring cleaning. No one knows I have four stones. I don't need them, though; I simply use them to gain trust; a lure you might call them.

Roy's birthday is tomorrow. I made him a special flame alchemy glove set. Why is it special?

I made it.

I used a Philosopher's stone in it.

I smashed the new stone I got a year ago using a crude maul. I took the powder and mixed it with the thread. Weaving and sewing the complex flame alchemy transmutation circle patented by Berthold Hawkeye is hard to do. I'm shitty at sewing in the first place, and the circle has too many god damn lines! I understand why Roy opted out for a more simplistic design. But yesterday after our hike, I finished. It will be much more powerful than those dainty things he calls 'gloves'.

It'll make them look like shit.

"Here." Roy handed me a bowl of soup. It looked like he torched a deer. Since we had no spoons available, I took a sip straight from the bowl.

"Mmm! This is good venison soup! What kind of deer did you hunt down?" I started sipping faster.

"A buck. That was all I could find." Mustang said, looking glum. He felt like a ton of bricks labeled 'failure' had landed on him. "Why?"

"Do you still have the antlers?" I asked excitedly. This might finally be my chance to...

"Yeah," Roy pulled the antlers up from behind him. Still intact! "Why do you-?"

"YAHOO!" I was probably denting the ground at this point from all my jumping. Or making it quake. Or quite possibly both. I snatched the antlers out of his hand, and in the process accidently stabbed my own. Oh well. "I'm gonna go make a set of kunai with this! Laters!" And I went into the other part of the tent with the antlers in one bleeding hand and a switchblade in the other and began to whittle away at the bone.

Calcium is the element on the periodic table which grants us with movement and support.

In my case, it also granted a hell of a lot of work to make kunai. But after a few hours of tedious and tiring work, I finally had a set of bone kunai. Twenty of them, to be exact. So, now that my goals were accomplished today, time to do what the killjoy jackasses at high command wanted me to do.

As I exited out the other side of the tent, I found Mustang sitting in the snow, like a child waiting patiently for a Klondike bar. "Whatcha make?"

Before I even thought about what I was going to say, I thought about how wrong this picture was:

Roy Mustang.

Sitting in snow.

Waiting.

Patiently.

"You're not the real Roy Mustang. Mustang doesn't sit in the snow and be patient. Or talk like a five year old, for that matter." Take into consideration what the picture looked like again...

Do you see my point?

So, I believed there was only one foolproof way to find out if that was so...

SNAP!

"OW! Damn, what the hell was that for?"

"I think the cold got to your head for a sec there, Roy. Anyway," I pulled out the box of kunai. Deer antler kunai. As I opened up the box, I said, "These are what I made. They're pretty sharp, too, so don't touch them. Wanna see?"

"Fine." Roy crossed his arms, waiting to see a minute result. This was the REAL Roy Mustang that's supposed to be standing there. I know, it's sad that he supposed to be cross all the time, but it's better than him being nice all the time. He's too creepy like that. Not his style...

I drew two kunai from the box, one in-between my index and middle knuckle, and the other in-between my middle and ring knuckle. As I flung the two kunai behind me, I noticed something different. Most of the previous, actually, all of my previous kunai sets whistled as they went through the air. These ones stayed as silent as the sky they flew under. As I turned around to see how well I did, I expected to see them in a tree about twenty feet behind me. However, I did not. Instead, I saw a shocked Mustang and two miniscule slots where they should've been. "What the hell? Where are my fuckin kunai! And why the hell are you so shocked? It's not like they went around the world in five seconds and back or something!" Right?

"Look around the tree." Mustang said, pointing off to the right side of the front tree. As I peered around the tree, I saw two things...

A buck

Two kunai

The only problem was that the kunai were _in_ the actual deer. "Hey, I caught dinner!" And that was how that day ended. Wrapping up with venison soup again.


	4. The Return of the Armor

**The Girl Who Came From Hell: Diary of the Devil**

The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal) - Day 3

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."

-Lily Tomlin

The only problem with that is she doesn't clarify what kind of language in question...

Language

Or

# %!

I hope it's the latter.

Anyway, the search for Fullmetal is still at large. The way Edward is, he's probably in deep shit of some sort. The good news is that we found the hollow suit of armor with a bigger heart than most humans. Yay for Alphonse!

"Alphonse, do you know where Edward is?" Mustang asked with a pen and notebook in his hand.

"Uh, some lady took him. She had fingers that were like daggers!" Al replied excitedly. Either Al went insane, or this was a hysterically true situation. If it was the latter, then Ed was in some serious shit he shouldn't have ever gotten into.

"Fingers like daggers? Long nails?"

"No! They were literal daggers! And she had a snake tattoo on her-"

"Lust. Dammit!" I muttered and interrupted Alphonse.

"Who?" Roy and Al questioned simultaneously.

"Lust." I repeated. "A homunculus." Should I tell them all I know?

"What! Homunculi don't exist! It's impossible!" They have GOT to stop saying stuff at the same time. It's annoying as hell.

Nah! Why should I tell them all? I don't want to break their brains. They ARE only human, after all... "Oh, but they do. Why else would I be saying that? I never lie." Which frankly, was a lie. At least Mustang had forgotten what I'd told him about my habit about understating things.

*flashback*

"No. I lie a LOT."

*end flashback*

"Besides," I continued. "They are the cause of a lot of the militaries' problems."

I had obviously hit a sore spot in Mustang's mind, as his eyes suddenly took a melancholy appearance. That's good... well, yes and no. I don't want him to be sad all the time, but he needed a reason to be fighting with me. I need a legit reason for them to stay with me on this mission. "Do you know where they took Ed?" I asked. Please tell me he knows something...!

"Uh," Alphonse muttered. _Where was Brother?_ He thought. "A cave. It's not too far from here. But it's blocked by boulders now. We'd have to find some way to make the go bye-bye."

"Are you seriously forgetting who you're talking to? I rival the legendary Kimblee in explosive capabilities! I'm the one who has to save the military's ass on multiple occasions! And I'm not even a fucking part of the military! That makes it worse!" I exclaimed back.

"Uh, no rant necessary, Kaede." Alphonse said. "Although that is true..."

"HEY!" Roy exclaimed.

"Colonel, it's only true."

You said it, Alphonse. It was true. The military did almost nothing to cover their ass when shit happened. An asinine theory of workmanship, but the only way it works is with me as the variable in the equation. Which sucks for me because I really want a vacation from playing babysitter. Taking care of a country by yourself: It's a dirty job, but _someone's gotta do it._ And right, now I'm the only one doing it. At least I get paid for my services...

"Anyway," It appeared that Mustang had finished his little childish act of a tantrum. "We would need to pack up anyway. Kaede and Al, can you pack up camp?"

Yeah, okay. We do all the work; you sit around and 'supervise' the whole damn thing. Sure, I'll let that slide... (Oh hell no!) "So, then what's Mister Wisecrack-Smartass gonna do? Oops. I brought the tantrum back. Oh well...

"What did you say?" Roy gritted his teeth.

"I asked what you're going to do. Not supervise."

"Why you!" Mustang almost snapped before I called out...

"LOOK BEHIND YOU!" And he fell for it. B-A-Z-I-N-G-A. That spells BAZINGA! I quickly dashed around the other side of him and back.

"What the hell? There's nothing here!" He looked down at his empty pale hands. "And where the hell are my damn gloves?... KAEDE!"

I snickered as I held up his gloves in my hand. As I put them in my pocket, I said to him, "You need to get better nerves in your hands. I could've easily felt that!"

"Well, you used to be a thief, so stealing comes naturally to you, Kaede." Alphonse gently told me. Also true, I used to be a thief to make a living. But you'd have to admit; I was pretty damn good at thievery. It was a skill. But I'm not a klepto. Just a pyro.

"You little bastard." Roy spat at me. Although I was good friends with him for years, I still knew and enjoyed to make him mad. Now it was time for the universal comeback...well, one of two.

"I know you are but what am I? ...Put it there Alphonse!" Alphonse gave me a high five.

"Uh, what is the Devil?" Roy replied. But not before giving himself a facepalm and turning a shade of red that would put cherries and red foods alike to shame that signaled embarrassment and humiliation.

"Ding ding ding! We have a winner! You have won a pair of pyrotex gloves!" I handed over the other pair of gloves; the ones I made. "Happy Birthday Roy."

"Hey, you remembered! And these aren't my gloves."

"Now they are." I shredded up his old gloves.

"Thank you, Kaede."

"You're welcome. Now get your ass in motion and start packing up camp. Me and Al will 'supervise' you."

It felt good to be the Devil for once.


	5. The Hunt For Hagane

**The Girl Who Came From Hell: Diary of the Devil**

The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal) - Day 5

"Quotes are invented by stupid people who want to make themselves look smart. Wait, then why am I making a quote? I AM SMART DAMN IT! End the quote! END THE QUOTE!"

-Kaede Nikoli-Hultz

Okay, a mistake up there. But hey, we finally reached the freakin cave. The hike yesterday was HELL. Alphonse lied! He said it wasn't far away! He never mentioned a fucking MOUNTAIN IN THE WAY! I am not a hiker! Anyway, my only problem was if he was in there, what would Edward be like? Would he even still be alive?

"Well, we'll only be able to know if we open the cave." Roy said. He was right (for once). But before I could blow the place open, a familiar sound appealed to my ears...

_Keshinda omoi wo hakidashita ino wa_

_Sonzai no shou mei ga hokani nai kara_

_Tsukanda hazu no boku no mirai wa_

_Songen to jiyuu de mujun shiteru yo _

I could barely hear him through the boulders, but I had a bad feeling of what I'd find later tonight.

_Yuganda zanzou wo keshisaritai no wa_

_Jibun no genkai wo soko ni miru kara_

_Jishiki kajou na boku no mado niwa_

_Kyonen no karendaa hitsuke ga nai yo _

Wait a second... that's Japanese! He speaks Japanese? FLUENTLY? Why the hell didn't he tell me? I LOVE JAPANESE!

_Keshite riraitoshite_

_Kudara na chougensou_

_Wasureranu sonzaiken wo_

_Kishikaisei riraitoshite_

_Imi no nai souzou mo_

_Kimi no nasu gendouryoku_

_Zenshin zenrei wo kure yo_

"EDWARD!" I cried out! "EDWARD!" That was his voice. I knew he was in there. And apparently alive. Once I exploded the boulders, I told the others to stay behind as I went back as far as I could into the cave (which was only about five hundred feet) and left Roy and Al in the dust. Literally.

Ed was not a pretty picture. Although his flesh wasn't injured...

His clothes were all ripped up. Most likely as a struggle from Lust.

His pupils were dilated more than normal. Then again, it WAS a cave.

He was covered in filth. Once again, CAVE here.

The automail needed two fingers and a toe fixed. Also a struggle.

And he was mumbling to himself something in Japanese. That was the biggest surprise.

"Anata ga arimasu." He told me. _There you are._

"Hai, Edo-san." _Yes Ed._ I walked over to him and sat down next to him. "Anata wa nihongo shitte iru?" _You know Japanese?"_

"Hai. Boku wa nani." _Yes, I do._

"Watashitoisshoni uta wo utau?" _Sing a song with me?_

"Mochiron! Deshou ka?" _Sure! What?_

"Again. Anata wa eigo wo shutoku." _Again. You get English._

"Yoi!" _Okay!_

Good, he was willing to communicate with me, AND in a way we both understand. I transmuted a guitar so that I could play accompaniment.

"Redi?" _Ready?_

"Antei shita?" _Steady?_

"Iku!" Go!

_Kono omoi wo keshite shimau niwa mada jinsei nagai desho_

_(What you don't got enough life left to wipe these feelings out?)_

_Yarinokoshiteru koto yarinaoshite mitai kara_

_(To try to make right the things you left undone?)_

_Yume no tsuzuki oikakete ita hazu nano ni_

_(We try chasing down ways to further our dream)_

_Magari kunetta hosoi michi hito ni tsumazuku_

_(But then we trip over people on the narrow path that winds)_

_Ano koro mitai ni ite modoritai wakajanaino_

_(It's nothing like wanting to go back to those days)_

_Nakushite kita sora wo sagashiteru_

_(I'm searching for a sky that doesn't exist anymore)_

_Wakattekure masu you ni gisei ni natta you na kanashii kao wa yamete yo  
(Don't give me that sad face like I've become the victim like you understand!)_

_Tsumi no saigo naimidajanai yo_

_(Tears aren't the end of sin)_

_Zutto kurushiku shou tte kunda_

_(You carry it heavy on your back forever)_

_Deguchi mienai kanjou meiru ni dare wo matteru no_

_(Who is it you're waiting for in this maze of emotion you can't find your way out of?)_

_Shiroi no-to ni tsuzutta you ni_

_(I want to let it all spill already)_

_Motto sunao ni hakideshitai yo_

_(Like I was writing in a blank notebook)_

_Nani kara nogaretainda genjitsu tte yatsu _

_(What're you're trying to get away from this thing we call reality?)_

_Kanaeru tame ni ikiterundatte wasurechai so na yoru no manaka_

_(We live for each other or have you forgotten in the middle of the night?)_

_Bunan ni nante yatterarenai kara kaeru basho monai no_

_(Because we can't play it safe or sound anymore and we don't have a place to go home to)_

_Yasashisa niwa itsumo kansha shiteru dakara tsuyoku naritai I'm on the way_

_(You're always thanking me for being kind that's why I want to get stronger I'm on the way)_

_Nansukashite naru konna itami mo kangen jan_

_(Just like old times this is the kind of pain I love!)_

Although he was one known to be fiery tempered, I never expected to see so much pain in little Edward's eyes. He'd told me all the things in his life, even some that Al didn't even know and more. As he mouthed a word in Japanese, all I could see in his eyes was Trisha. "Love." I repeated. That's the English translation of what he mouthed in Japanese. Is that all he really wanted again?

"Hai. Aishi. Ai." _Yes. Love. Love. _ But was that all that drove him to this? I mean, sure, a homunculus can easily kill you, but drive you mad? I don't think that's in their playbook. Maybe it was just on his mind for a while, and we just didn't figure it out until it literally drove him nuts? I don't know? But it was most likely for Winry.

"Winry-chan? Anata wa Aishi ga Winry-chan?" He looked up at me with what looked to be the first smile on his face in a very long time.

"Shinai."

No, huh? Maybe she was more of a sister figure to Edward, a "Sister Christian", you could say. I mean, you could pass them off as brother and sister if you didn't know them. "Who?"

His face was so close to mine I could feel the hot breath from his lips. I have to admit: Edward is GOD-LIKE when it comes to kissing. When we finally broke apart, he spoke in English.

"Maple."

Eh? Nice cliffhanger? I will try to finish as soon as possible. I might even get another one up today! The songs I used were "Rewrite" by Asian Kung-Fu Generation and "Again" by YUI. I only have 3 more chapters left! This is where the romance begins and where the sexual humor will start. REVIEW DAMMIT


	6. Campfire Comedy Club and Liquor

**The Girl Who Came From Hell: Diary of the Devil**

The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal) - Day 6

"You can't give up when you're looking for a diamond in the rough because you'll never know when it'll show up."

-Chad Kroeger

If that is true, then my diamond in the rough was five feet and eleven inches under. Not dead, but damn close. Maple was apparently his diamond's name in English. I told him I knew of no such person whose name was "Maple", although I had a pretty good idea on who he was talking about. "Try in Japanese."

"Easy. Kaede." Moi. I win.

"Hey, whatdya know? You spoke English. Welcome back to the dark side, Fullmetal. You didn't miss much."

"What, don't tell me you seriously thought I was going to speak Japanese for the rest of my life, did you?" Edward stood up. "We should probably get back to the entrance."

"Smart idea." And waiting at the entrance for us was Alphonse. No Roy, just Al. "Uh, where's Roy?"

"BROTHER!" Alphonse cheered as he death glomped Edward. "You're okay! And Roy's in a tree."

"Why?" I asked.

"And let! Me! Go! Al!" Ed choked out.

"Sorry!" Alphonse dropped his elder brother in the snow. "He was violated by a honey badger."

Silence.

Edward and I burst out laughing our asses off as a voice called out from above.

"STOP LAUGHING! IT WAS ATTEMPTED RAPE! HOW IS THAT FUNNY?"

"Well," I said while still laughing my ass off. "We're laughing, so it must be funny!"

"I WAS ALMOST RAPED BY A DAMN HONEY BADGER!"

"I know! It's fucking hysterical!"

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"The why is everyone laughing?" Alphonse finally joined in the laughing. "Just come down here! No honey badgers are here to get you!"

"Fine!" Roy jumped down from high up in a tree. Only the problem with his landing is that he snapped while he fell. This melted the snow underneath, and there was a massive root there, and you could probably guess what happened next.

Mustang went from baritone to high soprano.

"I didn't know the Colonel could sing opera!" Alphonse said. Today was definitely NOT Mustang's day. But it was a day of laughter.

"Here, have an ice pack." I said as I made a snowball and threw it at his face. "Oops. I missed."

"That's what she said!" Edward blurted out. And the laughing ensued for many hours. Then we had a campfire comedy club, since Roy was back down to baritone after soup time.

"I was shocked you actually gave me soup." I told Mustang. "I expected you to walk up to me and say 'No soup for you!' in an Italian accent."

"Oh I got one!" Al said. "So Ed looks out the window and sees Rose outside. "Hey Al, come over here!" he says. "What?" I ask. "Look at that! *fart noise* She farted!"

"My turn!" Edward said. "So Rose sees her boyfriend brought back alive finally. Father Cornello walks in and tells her how much of an idiot she is. Rose looks at her boyfriend and exclaims  
'He's carrots!'

'He's carrots.'

'He's carrots?'

'He's carrots.'

'Why is he carrots?'

'Cause he is.'

"Good one!" I reply. "How's this? When you see Father Cornello's Philosopher's stone, the cats attack you and rip your coat. After he sees your automail, you go 'There's something you should know about me.' Father Cornello says 'And what the hell is that?' 'It's that I make the best meatloaf in the history of man! Oh, and I'm also a cyborg.'" Eh, what can I say; meatloaf makes everyone happy.

Roy finally had one. "And before all of that happens, Ed goes 'What is going on? I don't have the slightest clue? I just slapped a cow!' Anyone ever heard of National Make Fun of Mexicans day?"

Silence. Again. What up with all the silence?

"Want a good joke?" Roy asked.

"Sure." Ed replied encouragingly.

"Women's rights."

"Nice..." He gave Roy a high five. And I gave them a face five. (AKA slap)

"I have something that will make it better for the three of us! Sorry Al." I pulled out about six bottles of beer for Roy and a jug of some sort of alcohol for me and Ed. Probably vodka.

"Why did you never tell me about this?" Roy asked a lot of questions. I should start charging people for that...

"I didn't think it was necessary? But now it is!"

"Uh, I've never had alcohol before." Edward said.

"Well, now you will! Alphonse, you can do what you like now."

"I'll explore the cave!" And the merry little (big) suit of armor took a torch and went to do his explorer work while the rest of us decided to have a beer party. I'll probably regret that decision, but for now, who the hell would care?


	7. The Hangover

**The Girl Who Came From Hell: Diary of the Devil**

The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal) - Day 7

"He who laughs last didn't get it."

-Kaede Nikoli-Hultz

"AAAAAHH!" I hear Alphonse scream, "Holy shit!" That is probably the only time Al will ever swear. "What the hell is going on here?"

I stand corrected. I snapped my eyes open and asked myself six questions.

One: Did Al just swear?

Two: Why the hell is he here?

Three: What the hell is he talking about?

Four: Where the hell are my clothes?

Five: What the hell is Ed in my sleeping bag for?

Six: Where the hell are his clothes?

This meant one and only one thing..."I SLEPT WITH EDWARD! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed. Which woke Edward up, and he started screaming. Now we were all screaming. I scream, you scream, we all scream is this a dream? And then the man who was attacked by a honey badger rushed in. Odd how he was already in full military attire, but when he came over, it was déjà vu.

"AAAAAHH! Holy shit! What the hell is going on here?"

See what I mean?

"Uh, I think we got drunk." Ed replied questionably.

"And I must've slept with him while drunk." I added on, which is probably like adding tequila to a fire (Oh, the irony).

"But it was...AMAZING!"

"What was? Me or the alcohol?"

"Both, but the first more."

"I'd agree."

Alphonse did a facepalm. Well, an armor-palm. "Ugh, Kaede, do us all a favor and don't become the next Roy Mustang, okay?"

"HEY!" Roy replied furiously. "What's wrong with being me?"

"Uh, Colonel, how many women have you slept with?"

"80 I believe."

"Then that's one person off my list." I said quite frankly.

"WHAT?" Everyone yelled at me. Sheesh, tough crowd...

"Do you KNOW how many STD's could come from that?" I told him.

"I do my homework and check!" Mustang crossed his arms like a little kid.

"Really?" I said sarcastically. "How old were you when you slept with your first girl?"

"Seventeen. Why?"

"Well, based on how well YOU estimate, which is pretty shitty, you would be off by about forty, so if my math is correct (which it always is), that means...A WOMAN EVERY MONTH? ROY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU PERVERT!"

"I don't sleep with a woman every month!

"Is that so?" Once again, my voice filled to the brim with sarcasm.

"More like every week! It's three to four times before I find a new woman."

"Oh, I get it! You get tired of the same old sex after about three times, so you have to find someone new. How freakin nice."

Silence. What the hell is up with the damn awkward silences! I mean, come on! Are we really that weird together?

That was a rhetorical question. If you said yes, screw you.

"At least I don't have sex while I'm drunk." Mustang replied.

"You got drunk?" Al exclaimed.

"No shit, Sherlock." I said. "We all did! Except you." I looked around quickly before asking, "Has anyone seen our clothes? It tends to be cold in late January. And someone hand me the jug the shit was in!"

Alphonse pulled the clothes out of his armor as Edward handed me the jug. It was nice of Alphonse to find our clothes ahead of time. "No wonder we did that! Why the hell did I bring the freaking tequila out here? And it was this one! I thought it was Russian vodka!"

"What do you mean 'this one'?" Ed asked, catching his clothes from Al.

"Well," I said, catching mine. "I know a guy down at the Devil's Nest in Dublith who makes specialty sake mixes for his favorite customers. Don't know his name, but most people just call him Greed. Anyway, I told him to give me the #69 special, which is a kind of tequila. Normally I only have a shot or two, which really has no effect. But I guess when Ed and I downed the whole thing is when the effect kicked in. now I get why people call it 'The Maple Lover'. It's what I always buy." Well, that and two bottles of whiskey and a 12 pack of beer. But they don't need to know..."And we get the 'lover' part now."

"Yeah," Alphonse replied awkwardly. "Um, we should probably get going and start packing, right?"

"Uh, yeah." Roy replied. "We'll leave you two alone. Just don't try anything s-"

"Yeah yeah yeah," Ed interrupted. "We won't do it now, just go already!" As the other two left, Edward told me, "That was...different." Well, it WAS.

"Yup. Sigh, I hope we don't have to report this back."

"We won't. We wouldn't have to anyway. You're not in the military. The fraternization rules don't apply."

Sweet! Awesome awesome awesome! I can be with Edward!

"The only question," he continued. "Is whether or not you want to date someone five years younger than you or seven years older."

"Well, I don't want to be a dog of the military. Nor be cheated on. Nor get an STD. What do you think?"

"Well, I'd have to agree with all of that, so me it is then!"

We both laughed. "A song?" I offered.

"Sure!" he began.

_Masshiro na keshiki ni ima sasowarete_

_Boku wa yuku yo mada minu sekai e_

My turn!

_Maigo no mama tabisheita nezumi iro no sora no shita_

_Higawari no chizu ikutsumo no yume ga nijin de ita_

_Itsukawasa chippoke na boku no kono hohaba demo_

_Ano kumo no mukou made yukeru kana_

_Tsuyogatte kizutsuita kokoro suka shita you ni_

_Furidashita asmetsubu tachi ga_

_Ranhanansha kurikaesu_

_Massugo na hikari ga kousashite_

_Yukosaki no tsugenu mama dokomademo tsukinukeru_

_Awai zanzou ryou me ni yakitsukete_

_Kono sora no shita donna tooku ni ite mo_

And together we finished.

_Todoku hazu nanda mada minu sekai e!_


	8. Epilogue on Solsbury Hill

**The Girl Who Came From Hell: Diary of the Devil**

The Hunt for Hagane no Renkinjutsushi (Fullmetal) - Epilogue-Night 7

"Grab your things; I've come to take you home."

-Peter Gabriel

On a hill we stood as the wind blew my hair around. We overlooked a junction called Solsbury, an entrance to Central. The city lights glowed. We were about to pack when we heard the sound of Hawkeye's car coming through. Our hellish time in nature had finally ended as I began to sing myself an old tune...

_Climbing up on Solsbury hill_

_I could see the city light_

_Wind was blowing, time stood still_

_Eagle flew out of the night_

_He was something to observe_

_Came in close, I heard a voice_

_Standing stretching every nerve_

_Had to listen, had no choice_

_I did not believe the information_

_I just had to trust imagination_

_My heart going boom, boom, boom_

'_Son,' he said. 'Grab your things_

_I've come to take you home.'_

"Where have you been?" Riza exclaimed as she slammed the car door shut.

"We were all worried back at Central Command." Havoc said coolly as he gently closed the passenger door. "We thought you were all dead!"

"Come on, guys!' Alphonse said, or rather, complained at them. "We have the Devil of Amestris, the babysitter of the freakin military here! And the Flame Alchemist here for that matter!"

"Yes. And we all know we were looking for your brother, Alphonse. It's a whole other ball game." Riza replied.

Al felt mocked.

"Nisu no shigoto, Arufonsu." Ed said to his brother while giving him my signature death glare...HEY! My glare, not yours!

"Huh?" Everyone else but Edward and I pondered.

"He said 'Nice job, Alphonse.' With a hint of sarcasm, but just a hint." I replied, sarcastically of course.

And now Alphonse WAS mocked.

"It wasn't fun though, that's for sure." Mustang carried on the conversation, but I didn't even pay attention for a while.

_To keeping silence I resigned_

_My friends would think I was a nut_

_Turning water into wine_

_Open doors would soon be shut_

_So I went from day to day_

_Though my life was in a rut_

'_Till I'd thought of what I'd say_

_Which connection should I cut_

_I was feeling part of the scenery_

_I walked right out of the machinery_

_My heart going boom, boom, boom_

'_Hey,' he said. 'Grab your things_

_I've come to take you home.'_

_Yeah, back home._

I was honestly happy someone was here to take me out of here.

_When illusion spin her net_

_I'm never where I want to be_

_And liberty she pirouette_

_When I think that I am free_

_Watched by empty silhouettes_

_Who close their eyes but still can see_

_No one taught them etiquette_

_I will show another me_

_Today I don't need a replacement_

_I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant_

_My heart going boom, boom, boom_

"Our only probably is that we can either put all the equipment or all the people in the car. Your choice. Well, actually, no. Leave the camping stuff here." Riza said as she began back towards the car. "Let's go home."

"Wait," I said. "I need to do one last thing."

"Then do it." Havoc said encouragingly. I walked off a bit into the woods, told the woods what I wanted to say, and hopped in the car as we drove back home.

'_Hey,' I said. 'You can keep my things_

_They've come to take me home." ***_

**There's your epilogue peoples. The song is "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel. Also known as not me. I also don't own FMA or anything of FMA. That would be Hiromu Arakawa. Thanks for reviewing.**


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